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Le Bureau Olympics 2016: let the Games begin

After four, long years, it was finally here. The events were confirmed. The athletes were limber. Most importantly, the beer had been chilled. It was time for the Le Bureau Olympic Games 2016.

LET THE GAMES BEGIN!

The sun shone beneficently over Clapham Common on Thursday 11th August as competitors gathered, amiably chatting as final preparations were made.

It fell to Games organiser Larissa Cairns of The Linen Works and head judge Simon Woodward of Polar Bear Live to herd the athletes into three teams: the Believers, The LinCredibles and Everyone Else. The competitive tension was palpable as Simon welcomed everyone and explained the rules. Such as they were.

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Simon, head judge and owner of natty headgear

THE EVENTS

The Games opened with the Bouncy Race Relay. Teams split in two, with one half massing at the far end of the track whilst competitors running the first leg mounted their bouncer and prepared for the gruelling task ahead.

From the moment athletes set out, it was clear that there was a disparity of bouncing ability on the field. Technique ranged from high jumps and long leaps  to the lesser-known ‘pick-up-and-run’ protocol which was, quite frankly, cheating. After a thrilling last leg, Team Believers bounced their way to a decisive win.IMG_0040


Next up was Horses and Jockeys, also performed as a relay, but run by just two pairs from each team. One athlete from each pair was the horse, the other, the jockey who jumped on their back in the hope of galloping to victory. A surprising early twist saw horses presented with animal masks, and forced to wear them. The mask severally impeded their vision, which made the race considerably more difficult, which delighted the spectators. Amidst much chaos, the Believers came home first yet again.

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From here, athletes moved to the Aquatics Centre for 2016’s inaugural Giant Beer Pong event. Two teams (composed of a jumble of LinCredibles and Everyone Else) went head to head to throw a ball into one of their opponents’ five buckets, thus forcing their opponents to down a shot. A strong start on both sides quickly descended into farce and cries of: “oohhh, so close” rung out around the Olympic Park. Gradually shots began to land on target and after a hard-fought battle, a sober(ish) LinCredibles surged to victory.

It fell to the Believers to take them on in the second round match. We saw the introduction of an innovative bounce-in technique but ultimately The LinCredibles took gold again and everyone ended up pretty drunk. Claims that the shots were spiked to up their alcohol content remain unsubstantiated, despite overwhelming evidence and numerous eye-witnesses.

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After a quick refreshment break of hydrating gel and energy rusks (beer and crisps), competitors were back on the Athletics Track for the Beer Torch Relay. This is an event steeped in symbolism as athletes must run a length of the track holding a  pint of flaming gold beer high above their heads. Only when the Beer Torch is safely passed on may the second competitor set off.

Ostensibly, points were awarded for the fastest finish and the volume of beer left in the cup, but by the end it was unclear who had won and everyone had beer in their hair.


Athletes returned to the Acquatics Centre to take part in the Bowling Dizzy Frisbee Relay, followed by the Great Sip Cup Race. The former required speed, aim and spacial awareness as athletes spun ten times around a pole before throwing a frisbee through a hula-hoop. The Great Sip Cup Race focused on agility, resilience and pint-downing ability – the golden triad of sporting prowess.

In this event, athletes went head-to-head, lizard crawling up to the beer station where they sunk a beer before flipping their upside-down cup the right way up. Or was that a right-way-up cup flipped upside-down? A small argument broke out before head judge Simon concluded that “no one cares” and athletes realised they were just happy drinking beer at speed. Cue a lot of dribbling and severely bruised knees.

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No Olympic Games would be complete without the classic 3-Legged Race. Athletes lashed their legs together using the type of thin, rough, skin-eroding rope that has since been banned in international cowork space competitions. The race was won by… er… frankly it was impossible to tell but Pip and Neil managed to snap their rope and Fran and Amelia ended up on the ground.

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Athletes fared marginally better in the Sack Race that followed, although the ‘sacks’ (black bin liners) had a troubling propensity to break and many athletes finished with their sack flapping wildly around their ankles. Ooh-er.

As the bright evening sunlight faded to a soft amber glow, it was time for the blue ribbon event: the Tug of War. In a heartening display of sportsmanship, the field combined to split into two teams, grasping the mighty rope in their hands and taking the strain. Judge Simon fired the starting pistol (he shouted go) and competitors began to heave. And heave. And yell a lot, and heave some more. The first few seconds suggested an evenly matched tug but the Team on the Left gradually began to pull ahead. The Team on the Right enjoyed a brave yet brief resurgence but in the end, they couldn’t hold their ground against a determined Team on the Left.

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Bruised, exhausted and generally drunk, athletes retired to the warm down area to rehydrate. The Le Bureau Olympic Games had been a resounding  success. After a quick clean up operation, competitors made their way to the Closing Ceremony at the nearby Four Thieves pub where, fittingly, they played more games and drunk more alcohol.

The Le Bureau 2016 Olympic Games would not have been half the event it was without the sterling efforts of Larissa Cairns and the whole team at The Linen Works, Le Bureau office managers Kinga, Magda and Valeria, as well as Simon Woodward and of course, the valiant athletes who left it all out on the field.

Congratulations to all who took part. Bring on 2020.

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